Summer. Oh how I miss that last day of school, yes, you know what I'm talking about. That last day of school, that always had perfect weather outside, nothing really to do inside short of being there to count another actual school day. Signing yearbooks, giving hugs to the overly emotional girls who you wouldn't see for...a few days. Giving teachers the small gifts that your parents made you put into your otherwise empty backpack, successfully stealing from you the glory of going to school sans backpack. Oh yes, the glorious last day of school. I can remember waiting until the bell rang so I could run to the bus, go home, and start my summer vacation that generally entailed a whole lot of nothing. What happened to those days? What happened to having such a simple life?
No, now my last day of class is no longer anticipated, but rather it's feared. With so many projects, papers, and homework there simply isn't ever a good time for the last day of class to come and for all outstanding work to come due. And of course, we've replaced the nothingness of the last day of school with the dreaded "final examination," and still worse - the singe phrase that every college/graduate student has come to fear with all their being - "comprehensive final examination." Even while in my undergraduate years life was relatively simple during the summer. Of course, everyone goes out and gets their annual summer job (for me it was changed every year, but still the same kinds of jobs), worked for 6 or so hours each day, made some money, but was otherwise worthless throughout the months of May, June, July, and part of August.
Unfortunately, graduate school isn't quite the same. No, there are no meaningless jobs for me anymore. Instead, with my final exams nearly complete, I have the pleasure of looking forward to my internship. Don't be misguided; this isn't the same thing as an undergraduate internship wherein most are reduced to making copies and stapling papers together. No, my internship requires me to do real work - the kind of work I have to do when I graduate; bummer huh? Life is just more complicated - that's what I've decide. But what I can't figure out is if the increased complication in my life is warranted and necessary? I continue to struggle with this, because I'm inclined to say yes, otherwise why would the complication increase? However, by and large, it seems that it's the minor parts of life that get complicated, and that serves to complicate the rest of life, so is it really necessary? I'm not sure.
In any case, I'm told that it only gets worse from here. Gone are the careless days of summer. Gone are the cherished but overlooked simplicities of a younger age. No more is doing nothing with my life an option. C'est la vie, I suppose. And now, with a raising of my glass and a toast to the complexity of life, I take my leave.
Until next time,
J
27 April 2008
20 April 2008
vitae brevis
Have you ever lost someone close to you? Thankfully, I can't say that I have. Unfortunately, I know people who have, and that sucks...a lot.
During my 23 years on Earth, I've had to say goodbye to several family members. This; however, isn't really what I'm talking about. No, what I'm talking about is a different kind of "someone." I mean friends, friends of the close sort. These are the people that you joke around with, grow up with, know inside and out...you know who I'm talking about.
Maybe I've never lost someone like that because I've never had someone like that to loose. As I've said before, I grew up in the military, moving around a lot. Because of that I haven't had those lifelong friends - the people you meet when you're 6 months old, go to school with, graduate from high school and/or college with, and keep in touch with forever. No, most of my friendships have been fleeting. This, however, isn't my point (yes, I have one, read on).
What do you say to someone when they've lost a close friend? Further, what do you say when you have no similar experience from which to draw upon to establish a connection of sorts with the person in mourning? I want to tell them that things will be okay, and that with time they will begin to heal and feel better; slowly moving on with their lives. I want to say that while it sucks that they just lost their friend, they must go on; take away the good times and remember them forever. But can I really say that? At the very least, can I say that without seeming naive or simply rude?
I like to think of myself as a very practical person - perhaps too practical a person. I look at situations and attempt to figure out how we can best benefit from it. That being the case, you wouldn't be far off thinking that grief and sadness are not feelings that I place high importance on or spend a lot of time with. As I'm sure you can imagine, this makes situations in which others are grieving that much more difficult for me. Now I have a person, presumably someone close to me, who is having a hard time because they lost something that I've never had and are expressing feelings that I don't. So how do I empathize while not feeling like a fake and not coming across as an idiot?
Some say that we shouldn't mourn the dead. No, instead we should celebrate the life that was. Well, if that's what we were meant to do, then why do we feel grief when someone dies? If we were supposed to celebrate life shouldn't we be, to some extent, happy? Clearly this isn't the case, though I think I'd prefer it to be. Grief, sadness the the like are not things that we benefit from. Quite the opposite in fact. When we grieve we have to take time to grieve; time that we could otherwise use to do something else. However, were we to celebrate a life that should mean that we're happy, or at least not sad, right? Happy people are productive people, and that, friends, is my language.
Unfortunately, this isn't a way to address death. No, trying to make someone think they should be happy because their friend is no longer with them just seems weird to me - it simply won't do. Well, what then? I suppose that, to a large extent, we don't really need to know what do to. Maybe we should just be there for the person grieving. Everyone is different, right? That being the case, I suppose to makes sense that everyone will need something different. Even one person will need different things at different times. Unfortunately, it seems to me that most of the things that people will need are unpredictable, so we just need to be flexible and work with them. Eventually they will get better and move on; it just takes different people different amounts of time.
My point (I'm not even sure that I remember it anymore, assuming that I had one) is that the world doesn't work the way that we'd always like it to. No...for practical people like myself there are things like grief and sadness to think about. For normal people there is death to deal with. Neither are things that we want to happen, but they are things that we have to deal with anyway. Ideally, dulcius ex asperis - through the difficulty will come sweetness. In other words, the hard times that we must go through will hopefully lead to better times in the not-so-distant future.
Vitae brevis. Life is short. Embrace those whom you love and keep them close. Be there for those who are in mourning. Live your life to the fullest - don't be the person who lies on their death bed and regrets not doing something. Live, love, and appreciate. Make the most of your life and include as many people as possible so that, after you are no longer here, those you leave behind have nothing but good memories with which to remember you.
During my 23 years on Earth, I've had to say goodbye to several family members. This; however, isn't really what I'm talking about. No, what I'm talking about is a different kind of "someone." I mean friends, friends of the close sort. These are the people that you joke around with, grow up with, know inside and out...you know who I'm talking about.
Maybe I've never lost someone like that because I've never had someone like that to loose. As I've said before, I grew up in the military, moving around a lot. Because of that I haven't had those lifelong friends - the people you meet when you're 6 months old, go to school with, graduate from high school and/or college with, and keep in touch with forever. No, most of my friendships have been fleeting. This, however, isn't my point (yes, I have one, read on).
What do you say to someone when they've lost a close friend? Further, what do you say when you have no similar experience from which to draw upon to establish a connection of sorts with the person in mourning? I want to tell them that things will be okay, and that with time they will begin to heal and feel better; slowly moving on with their lives. I want to say that while it sucks that they just lost their friend, they must go on; take away the good times and remember them forever. But can I really say that? At the very least, can I say that without seeming naive or simply rude?
I like to think of myself as a very practical person - perhaps too practical a person. I look at situations and attempt to figure out how we can best benefit from it. That being the case, you wouldn't be far off thinking that grief and sadness are not feelings that I place high importance on or spend a lot of time with. As I'm sure you can imagine, this makes situations in which others are grieving that much more difficult for me. Now I have a person, presumably someone close to me, who is having a hard time because they lost something that I've never had and are expressing feelings that I don't. So how do I empathize while not feeling like a fake and not coming across as an idiot?
Some say that we shouldn't mourn the dead. No, instead we should celebrate the life that was. Well, if that's what we were meant to do, then why do we feel grief when someone dies? If we were supposed to celebrate life shouldn't we be, to some extent, happy? Clearly this isn't the case, though I think I'd prefer it to be. Grief, sadness the the like are not things that we benefit from. Quite the opposite in fact. When we grieve we have to take time to grieve; time that we could otherwise use to do something else. However, were we to celebrate a life that should mean that we're happy, or at least not sad, right? Happy people are productive people, and that, friends, is my language.
Unfortunately, this isn't a way to address death. No, trying to make someone think they should be happy because their friend is no longer with them just seems weird to me - it simply won't do. Well, what then? I suppose that, to a large extent, we don't really need to know what do to. Maybe we should just be there for the person grieving. Everyone is different, right? That being the case, I suppose to makes sense that everyone will need something different. Even one person will need different things at different times. Unfortunately, it seems to me that most of the things that people will need are unpredictable, so we just need to be flexible and work with them. Eventually they will get better and move on; it just takes different people different amounts of time.
My point (I'm not even sure that I remember it anymore, assuming that I had one) is that the world doesn't work the way that we'd always like it to. No...for practical people like myself there are things like grief and sadness to think about. For normal people there is death to deal with. Neither are things that we want to happen, but they are things that we have to deal with anyway. Ideally, dulcius ex asperis - through the difficulty will come sweetness. In other words, the hard times that we must go through will hopefully lead to better times in the not-so-distant future.
Vitae brevis. Life is short. Embrace those whom you love and keep them close. Be there for those who are in mourning. Live your life to the fullest - don't be the person who lies on their death bed and regrets not doing something. Live, love, and appreciate. Make the most of your life and include as many people as possible so that, after you are no longer here, those you leave behind have nothing but good memories with which to remember you.
05 April 2008
Different Traditions
Evening folks. Tonight we'll hit on a topic of a different nature that you're generally accustom to reading on my blog (and yes, I know...the topics are, if nothing else, random). Today I went to my cousin's bat mitzvah (I think that's how it's spelled, if not you have my apologies). For those of you who don't know, when Jewish boys and girls "come of age" in their faith they have a special service wherein various members of the congregation (is it called a congregation?) bless the person and they become an adult in the church/faith. This ceremony is known as a bar mitzvah for boys and a bat mitzvah for girls; today I went to my cousin's bat mitzvah.
Being raised a Christian, and going on to become a self-proclaimed Agnostic (for the most part anyway), I'm not what you'd consider well-versed in the ways of the Jewish faith. I don't know much of their history, nor their rituals, and I'm certainly not what you'd consider at all familiar with the Hebrew language. No, instead I went to show support for my family member. The whole process was, despite being unnecessarily long and at times confusing, rather interesting. I never realized how much a Jewish service differed from a Christian one. Everything is highly ritualized, as it is in the Church (the "Church" meaning all of Christianity, not just Catholicism), but they don't really talk very much; they sing all of their prayers and blessings.
As I said, the whole experience was very interesting. The ceremony and party lasted for most of the day (the actual ceremony started at 930 and I didn't leave to come back to my parents' house until nearly 9pm) which wasn't what I'd expected at all. I thought the ceremony would be an hour or so, then brunch after for an hour, and then I'd be back here by noon at the latest, giving me plenty of time to do some homework and study for the test I have on Tuesday.
In any case, if you ever get the opportunity to attend such an event, I'd strongly encourage you to go...it's a very different, interesting process. You'll no doubt get lost a few times, unless you've been to one before or know the language/customs, but it's neat to see a 14 year old person reading from the Torah as well as the Rabbi...at least I was impressed.
And with that, I take my leave. It's been a long day, and my bed is calling me - a call that I'm not willing to resist.
Be well and go experience new things.
Until next time,
J
04 April 2008
Family
Ok...so we're supposed to love family members, right? Hm...well, is it bad if "love" isn't exactly the word that you'd use to describe your feelings toward a family member? That sounds bad...let me explain.
I have two brothers, one is three years younger than me and the other is three years older. My younger brother, B, and I get along fairly well. We talk about stuff and have good laughs - mostly at each other's expense - and generally have what I'd call a characteristically good relationship. My relationship with my older brother, C, isn't quite so nice. We've never gotten along, not even when we were growing up and certainly not now that we've both grown up and moved out of my parent's house. I've always been told that when you're not around your sibling(s) very much you actually grow closer, and to a large extent that hasn't happened, at least not with C and I. In any case, today was C's birthday, and believe me, it was ALL about him. He said today that he is the most self-absorbed person he's ever known, and I find myself agreeing whole heartedly. Is that bad? I never know what to think anymore; I feel like a bad person for not having a great relationship with my brother, but at the same time I know that I've tried to make it work and he has yet to put in the same effort, so that seems to legitimize the issue.
I guess I still love my brother, but only because he's my brother and for no other reason; we don't get along, aren't anything alike, and have entirely different outlooks and goals for our lives. Oh well, generally I don't lose much sleep over the situation, but it just made me think about it a little more - what with today being his birthday and all.
In any case, that is all. Just something for everyone to consider - enjoy the good relationships that you have with your siblings and other family members, try to make the ones that are bad better, and if you try to make those poor relationships better and it doesn't work, move on with your life.
Be well in all that you do. Until next time,
J
03 April 2008
Stuffage
Alrighty, not much to really say today, but it's been a while since I posted, so I feel compelled to write something.
It's a pretty nasty day outside - cold and rainy - and I have nearly 5 hours of class to sit through today and then a 5-6 hour drive to get back to my parents' house this evening...all on a nasty day.
On a lighter note, my partner and I FINALLY finished our validation study. To most, "validation study" means little more than a paper we had to submit (which, for the record, ended up being 35 pages long), but to those in the I/O field, we know better. Validation reports are technical, time consuming, and for the most part dull. Technically, they're considered legal documents that one must produce for a selection method that a company uses (the method by which a company selects its employees) should that company ever be sued for discrimination or any other form of unfair hiring practices. In any case, it's done...well, mostly. Presently my partner is doing her final edits and then sending it back to me to print, then we're done. Sadly, there is no "sigh of relief" as we have more projects and papers to work on before the conclusion of the semester, but we can still take a mini sigh, right? *sigh*
So, with tests looming overhead, final examinations charging at me, project and paper deadlines making themselves known, time speeding up, and work that goes at a break-neck pace, it's hard to take time for myself and just do something that I want to do. However, I've found through my nearly 5 years in higher education that you have to be able to do that, else you run the risk of losing your sanity (of course, this goes on the assumption that you have yet to do so). I've found that even a 30 minute walk around a park or something is nice. Previously I tried "reading for pleasure," though in graduate school you do a lot of reading, so when I don't have academic reading to do, it's hard to motivate myself to read anything, let alone the authors that I enjoy.
And that's that. I have finally secured an internship for this summer, as well as housing, so that's one less thing that I need to worry about. Unfortunately, as I said earlier, there's no time for a sigh of relief...not until finals are done, but then I start working 4 days later, so again...a mini sigh will be in order; I'll take what I can get. And...what's even better is that in...less than 2 months T and I will be reunited for the summer...oddly, though my classes speed by the time when I'll see T seems to get further and further away...not sure how that works, but...oh well.
Ok...and that's all. I have an article to read for class (yes!) and a validation report to print off and finish so that it can be turned in and forgotten about in roughly3 hours.
I hope that today finds you in good health and high spirits, and nice weather wouldn't hurt either. Enjoy life, and your day, and thanks for stopping by!
Until next time,
J
It's a pretty nasty day outside - cold and rainy - and I have nearly 5 hours of class to sit through today and then a 5-6 hour drive to get back to my parents' house this evening...all on a nasty day.
On a lighter note, my partner and I FINALLY finished our validation study. To most, "validation study" means little more than a paper we had to submit (which, for the record, ended up being 35 pages long), but to those in the I/O field, we know better. Validation reports are technical, time consuming, and for the most part dull. Technically, they're considered legal documents that one must produce for a selection method that a company uses (the method by which a company selects its employees) should that company ever be sued for discrimination or any other form of unfair hiring practices. In any case, it's done...well, mostly. Presently my partner is doing her final edits and then sending it back to me to print, then we're done. Sadly, there is no "sigh of relief" as we have more projects and papers to work on before the conclusion of the semester, but we can still take a mini sigh, right? *sigh*
So, with tests looming overhead, final examinations charging at me, project and paper deadlines making themselves known, time speeding up, and work that goes at a break-neck pace, it's hard to take time for myself and just do something that I want to do. However, I've found through my nearly 5 years in higher education that you have to be able to do that, else you run the risk of losing your sanity (of course, this goes on the assumption that you have yet to do so). I've found that even a 30 minute walk around a park or something is nice. Previously I tried "reading for pleasure," though in graduate school you do a lot of reading, so when I don't have academic reading to do, it's hard to motivate myself to read anything, let alone the authors that I enjoy.
And that's that. I have finally secured an internship for this summer, as well as housing, so that's one less thing that I need to worry about. Unfortunately, as I said earlier, there's no time for a sigh of relief...not until finals are done, but then I start working 4 days later, so again...a mini sigh will be in order; I'll take what I can get. And...what's even better is that in...less than 2 months T and I will be reunited for the summer...oddly, though my classes speed by the time when I'll see T seems to get further and further away...not sure how that works, but...oh well.
Ok...and that's all. I have an article to read for class (yes!) and a validation report to print off and finish so that it can be turned in and forgotten about in roughly3 hours.
I hope that today finds you in good health and high spirits, and nice weather wouldn't hurt either. Enjoy life, and your day, and thanks for stopping by!
Until next time,
J
29 March 2008
Hello again
Hello there! Well, it appears that it has been quite some time since my last blog...my apologies. Lots has happened since that last blog; however, so hopefully this will be informative, though it does have the possibility of being rather long.
Let's see...where to begin? Oh, at the beginning; naturally. So I went to Denver, Colorado a few weeks ago for an academic conference. The conference was reserved for masters and doctoral students in the fields of Industrial/Organizational Psychology and Organizational Behavior, with the exception of some HUGE names in the field who gave keynote addresses. In any case, it was a good conference. I made some good contacts, my program did a great job with our presentations, and a good time was had by all. My group presented on cognitive ability and performance in police officers. Basically, we found data that leads to a conclusion that it is possible for police officers to be too smart for their jobs, but I think that could be the case with most jobs. Sound controversial? Indeed, we had many interested persons stop by to take a gander, ask questions, and give feedback, though no one alluded to the idea that we were wrong.
While in Denver we stayed at a decent hotel. Sorry to be vague here, but I'm not a fan of representing organizations that I'm not a member of and have no vested interested in, so I won't give names. Anyway, we had a few awesome shuttle drivers at the hotel, Rick and Bob, who made the trip that much better. They were both older guys, but knew exactly (or close to exactly) where all the hot spots were in LoDo (lower downtown) each of the nights we were there. Needless to say, they were the topic of many conversations both during our stay and for a while thereafter. [Sidenote: don't you hate it when people say "needless to say" and then go on to say whatever needn't be said? Irritating sometimes, though it's a habit that I have...sorry, moving on...]
Since I've been back from my conference life has been pretty standard. My colleagues are fighting with my university to get the money we were promised for the conference (the University said they'd give us X amount of money after we got back, but there is entirely too much red tape involved with actually getting that money - ridiculous). Otherwise, classes are going well and keeping me busy, as is work and securing my internship for the summer.
Hm...on a completely unrelated note, my internet sucks. Since we have been in our apartment my roommates and I have gone through two different internet companies. I'm not going to talk about my issues with internet and cable companies, so if you'd rather not listen, you might want to go about your daily business and skip the rest of this blog. The first company we purchased internet and cable from, and all was well in the world. That is, until our cable stopped working (though we were still paying for it). After a few months of arguing with the company, we canceled the cable and now have no cable; neat huh? Anyway, after that our internet began to go downhill, fast. So after a few more months, we canceled our internet with that company, completely severing our ties with that company. After that we signed on with a much more well-known company for internet, thinking that because of their name/reputation we'd have better internet; we were wrong. We are still with this company and just had the guy out here to fix it yesterday. It hasn't been 24 hours since he was here and our internet is already sketchy...again. Oh, and in lieu of cable we have Netflix (I know, I'm not a fan of brand "repping" but I view "netflix" as somewhat of a noun now, not really sure how else to describe it); not quite the same, but it works.
Ok, that's all that's new in my life. Sorry if you're bored to tears, hopefully something more interesting will come about soon. More to the point, hopefully I'll actually be able to blog more often; we'll see how my internet holds up.
Thanks again for stopping by. Have an enjoyable day, and be well.
Until next time,
J
Let's see...where to begin? Oh, at the beginning; naturally. So I went to Denver, Colorado a few weeks ago for an academic conference. The conference was reserved for masters and doctoral students in the fields of Industrial/Organizational Psychology and Organizational Behavior, with the exception of some HUGE names in the field who gave keynote addresses. In any case, it was a good conference. I made some good contacts, my program did a great job with our presentations, and a good time was had by all. My group presented on cognitive ability and performance in police officers. Basically, we found data that leads to a conclusion that it is possible for police officers to be too smart for their jobs, but I think that could be the case with most jobs. Sound controversial? Indeed, we had many interested persons stop by to take a gander, ask questions, and give feedback, though no one alluded to the idea that we were wrong.
While in Denver we stayed at a decent hotel. Sorry to be vague here, but I'm not a fan of representing organizations that I'm not a member of and have no vested interested in, so I won't give names. Anyway, we had a few awesome shuttle drivers at the hotel, Rick and Bob, who made the trip that much better. They were both older guys, but knew exactly (or close to exactly) where all the hot spots were in LoDo (lower downtown) each of the nights we were there. Needless to say, they were the topic of many conversations both during our stay and for a while thereafter. [Sidenote: don't you hate it when people say "needless to say" and then go on to say whatever needn't be said? Irritating sometimes, though it's a habit that I have...sorry, moving on...]
Since I've been back from my conference life has been pretty standard. My colleagues are fighting with my university to get the money we were promised for the conference (the University said they'd give us X amount of money after we got back, but there is entirely too much red tape involved with actually getting that money - ridiculous). Otherwise, classes are going well and keeping me busy, as is work and securing my internship for the summer.
Hm...on a completely unrelated note, my internet sucks. Since we have been in our apartment my roommates and I have gone through two different internet companies. I'm not going to talk about my issues with internet and cable companies, so if you'd rather not listen, you might want to go about your daily business and skip the rest of this blog. The first company we purchased internet and cable from, and all was well in the world. That is, until our cable stopped working (though we were still paying for it). After a few months of arguing with the company, we canceled the cable and now have no cable; neat huh? Anyway, after that our internet began to go downhill, fast. So after a few more months, we canceled our internet with that company, completely severing our ties with that company. After that we signed on with a much more well-known company for internet, thinking that because of their name/reputation we'd have better internet; we were wrong. We are still with this company and just had the guy out here to fix it yesterday. It hasn't been 24 hours since he was here and our internet is already sketchy...again. Oh, and in lieu of cable we have Netflix (I know, I'm not a fan of brand "repping" but I view "netflix" as somewhat of a noun now, not really sure how else to describe it); not quite the same, but it works.
Ok, that's all that's new in my life. Sorry if you're bored to tears, hopefully something more interesting will come about soon. More to the point, hopefully I'll actually be able to blog more often; we'll see how my internet holds up.
Thanks again for stopping by. Have an enjoyable day, and be well.
Until next time,
J
02 March 2008
What to Do?
What do you do when you want something so bad that you can't stand it, and yet there's nothing you can do to get it? It's not often in my life that I have such a feeling, but I seem to be having one more and more lately. For those who are familiar with the few posts on this blog, you'll remember that in the beginning I mentioned my girlfriend, T, who is in Iowa finishing up her bachelors degree right now. I, on the other hand, am in Virginia and am nearly half way done with my masters degree. The distance thing...well, it sucks, a lot. More than that though, is this feeling of helplessness that I find in myself. This scares me a little because it's not a feeling that I've ever had before.
In any case, I have this feeling and I can't seem to shake it. It's one of those situations that, given the opportunity, I'd drop everything to go back to Iowa and be with T, but that's simply not feasible right now. I have my work, work that's fairly important to my future and the occupational field that I'll be entering in just over a year. Similarly, she has her work that she needs to get done, and even if I were there, I feel as though I'd only get in her way and she wouldn't get anything done, thereby increasing her level of stress. I suppose then, that's why I'm still here and she's still there. Despite this understanding, the feeling remains. So what do I do?
Right now, and for the past...oh, it's been nearly a year now, it has been my prerogative that we stay as busy as possible so as to not be able to really understand how much we miss each other. That isn't working; we're both too busy as it is, and yet the pain of not being there is greater than ever. So then I thought, well, it might be good to see each other. Nice idea, right? Unfortunately the only amount of time that either of us can spare is a weekend, and there aren't any long ones left in the semester. Due to the expensive (both time and money) of travel, that's mostly out of the question. Additionally, it seems that seeing each other for such a short period of time might actually be worse than not seeing each other at all, as odd as that sounds.
So what do I do? I'm sitting here, feeling as though she's falling apart (if I can assume that the lack of me being there can cause such a thing), which stresses our relationship - a relationship that has the potential to be a lot more than it is, something that could potentially happen not too far from now. But in the meantime, what do I do? As I said, I feel as though I'm sitting here watching my relationship, and what's so much more important, T, fall to pieces, and there's nothing that I can do about it. I've tried staying busy and that doesn't work...so now my only hope is to muster through the remaining two months of this semester until I get to see her again.
Watching everyone else in relationships doesn't help either. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a selfish person, and I'm more than happy that friends of mine are in happy, healthy relationships, but that doesn't make my situation any easier. On the flip side, I see other friends (some of whom were in long-distance relationships similar to my own) whose relationships are falling apart, or have ended altogether. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand it makes me feel better that my relationship is still in tact - reaffirming my belief that it's strong and lasting. But on the other hand, it makes me think..."what if the 'rumors' about long-distance relationships are really true? What if they can't last?" And that, above all else, scares the living crap out of me.
So what do I do? Do I stop doing what I'm doing now, and disappoint myself? To be honest, that's not something that I'm not very inclined to do, and a small (very small) part of me thinks that T wouldn't want that either. Do I keep on going with my studies and risk disappointing T and losing my relationship? That's also something that I'm not inclined to do. Disappoint myself or T, or potentially both? Great situation you've gotten yourself into Jason...now if only I can think of a way to get myself, my girlfriend, and my relationship out of it all in one piece...
In any case, I have this feeling and I can't seem to shake it. It's one of those situations that, given the opportunity, I'd drop everything to go back to Iowa and be with T, but that's simply not feasible right now. I have my work, work that's fairly important to my future and the occupational field that I'll be entering in just over a year. Similarly, she has her work that she needs to get done, and even if I were there, I feel as though I'd only get in her way and she wouldn't get anything done, thereby increasing her level of stress. I suppose then, that's why I'm still here and she's still there. Despite this understanding, the feeling remains. So what do I do?
Right now, and for the past...oh, it's been nearly a year now, it has been my prerogative that we stay as busy as possible so as to not be able to really understand how much we miss each other. That isn't working; we're both too busy as it is, and yet the pain of not being there is greater than ever. So then I thought, well, it might be good to see each other. Nice idea, right? Unfortunately the only amount of time that either of us can spare is a weekend, and there aren't any long ones left in the semester. Due to the expensive (both time and money) of travel, that's mostly out of the question. Additionally, it seems that seeing each other for such a short period of time might actually be worse than not seeing each other at all, as odd as that sounds.
So what do I do? I'm sitting here, feeling as though she's falling apart (if I can assume that the lack of me being there can cause such a thing), which stresses our relationship - a relationship that has the potential to be a lot more than it is, something that could potentially happen not too far from now. But in the meantime, what do I do? As I said, I feel as though I'm sitting here watching my relationship, and what's so much more important, T, fall to pieces, and there's nothing that I can do about it. I've tried staying busy and that doesn't work...so now my only hope is to muster through the remaining two months of this semester until I get to see her again.
Watching everyone else in relationships doesn't help either. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a selfish person, and I'm more than happy that friends of mine are in happy, healthy relationships, but that doesn't make my situation any easier. On the flip side, I see other friends (some of whom were in long-distance relationships similar to my own) whose relationships are falling apart, or have ended altogether. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand it makes me feel better that my relationship is still in tact - reaffirming my belief that it's strong and lasting. But on the other hand, it makes me think..."what if the 'rumors' about long-distance relationships are really true? What if they can't last?" And that, above all else, scares the living crap out of me.
So what do I do? Do I stop doing what I'm doing now, and disappoint myself? To be honest, that's not something that I'm not very inclined to do, and a small (very small) part of me thinks that T wouldn't want that either. Do I keep on going with my studies and risk disappointing T and losing my relationship? That's also something that I'm not inclined to do. Disappoint myself or T, or potentially both? Great situation you've gotten yourself into Jason...now if only I can think of a way to get myself, my girlfriend, and my relationship out of it all in one piece...
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