What do you do when you want something so bad that you can't stand it, and yet there's nothing you can do to get it? It's not often in my life that I have such a feeling, but I seem to be having one more and more lately. For those who are familiar with the few posts on this blog, you'll remember that in the beginning I mentioned my girlfriend, T, who is in Iowa finishing up her bachelors degree right now. I, on the other hand, am in Virginia and am nearly half way done with my masters degree. The distance thing...well, it sucks, a lot. More than that though, is this feeling of helplessness that I find in myself. This scares me a little because it's not a feeling that I've ever had before.
In any case, I have this feeling and I can't seem to shake it. It's one of those situations that, given the opportunity, I'd drop everything to go back to Iowa and be with T, but that's simply not feasible right now. I have my work, work that's fairly important to my future and the occupational field that I'll be entering in just over a year. Similarly, she has her work that she needs to get done, and even if I were there, I feel as though I'd only get in her way and she wouldn't get anything done, thereby increasing her level of stress. I suppose then, that's why I'm still here and she's still there. Despite this understanding, the feeling remains. So what do I do?
Right now, and for the past...oh, it's been nearly a year now, it has been my prerogative that we stay as busy as possible so as to not be able to really understand how much we miss each other. That isn't working; we're both too busy as it is, and yet the pain of not being there is greater than ever. So then I thought, well, it might be good to see each other. Nice idea, right? Unfortunately the only amount of time that either of us can spare is a weekend, and there aren't any long ones left in the semester. Due to the expensive (both time and money) of travel, that's mostly out of the question. Additionally, it seems that seeing each other for such a short period of time might actually be worse than not seeing each other at all, as odd as that sounds.
So what do I do? I'm sitting here, feeling as though she's falling apart (if I can assume that the lack of me being there can cause such a thing), which stresses our relationship - a relationship that has the potential to be a lot more than it is, something that could potentially happen not too far from now. But in the meantime, what do I do? As I said, I feel as though I'm sitting here watching my relationship, and what's so much more important, T, fall to pieces, and there's nothing that I can do about it. I've tried staying busy and that doesn't work...so now my only hope is to muster through the remaining two months of this semester until I get to see her again.
Watching everyone else in relationships doesn't help either. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a selfish person, and I'm more than happy that friends of mine are in happy, healthy relationships, but that doesn't make my situation any easier. On the flip side, I see other friends (some of whom were in long-distance relationships similar to my own) whose relationships are falling apart, or have ended altogether. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand it makes me feel better that my relationship is still in tact - reaffirming my belief that it's strong and lasting. But on the other hand, it makes me think..."what if the 'rumors' about long-distance relationships are really true? What if they can't last?" And that, above all else, scares the living crap out of me.
So what do I do? Do I stop doing what I'm doing now, and disappoint myself? To be honest, that's not something that I'm not very inclined to do, and a small (very small) part of me thinks that T wouldn't want that either. Do I keep on going with my studies and risk disappointing T and losing my relationship? That's also something that I'm not inclined to do. Disappoint myself or T, or potentially both? Great situation you've gotten yourself into Jason...now if only I can think of a way to get myself, my girlfriend, and my relationship out of it all in one piece...
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